an example from a reader

Earlier this year I wrote a post urging “older” ladies to consider proactively building relationships with younger women and helping us navigate marriage and work and parenthood. I received several good comments and then forgot about it until a few weeks ago, when a reader emailed me this message:

I was reading your blog, my mind going in all sorts of directions from N.T. Wright’s books to finding a young woman to mentor. And it HIT me–I AM mentoring a young woman, just not the way I thought it would be.

Once a week, I stay with a young woman, 29 years old, who was diagnosed in January with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. She had just completed her doctorate in physical therapy, her husband was in Afghanistan, they were planning their next chapter of having children. The military brought her husband home and has allowed him to remain in the active military in the States. Since she has already progressed to the point of being on a walker/wheelchair, she needs people to stay with her while her husband works.

I signed up for one day and she talked the whole time—very softly, but talked. At the end of the day I said to her, “You know that I’m 70, have arthritis, and can’t do a lot of your heavy work. I can do light chores, but if you fall, we’ll just have to keep each other company on the floor because I won’t be able to get you up. I need your honesty. What can I do to help? Run errands? Write letters? What?”


She gave me a life-changing response. She said, “I have lots of people to do my work. I have no one to just sit calmly and talk with me.”

So I go once a week and sit calmly and talk with her. She’s telling me about her whole life. So far we are up to age 19. She tells me about her struggles with accepting this disease. She talks about her disappointment at not being able to raise children.

Even at my age and condition, God is using me at what I do best—talking and listening. I know some might dispute my ability to sit quietly and listen, but I can when God calls me to it!

I’m writing to tell you I’m mentoring. And I’m writing to ask for prayer. My daughter said, “Mom, I know this is a God-thing, because otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it.” What she means is, I usually run from anything dealing with sick people. I didn’t even like going with my husband to do home communion! I’m determined to stay with this young woman till…..

Please pray for me.

This friend is choosing to do what she can with where she is. What a great example of obedience as well as a reminder that “mentoring” does not need to be complex or programmed, just an intentional connection between two people. It can also work both ways—I told my friend I suspect she will receive even more from this friendship than she gives.

I’m so proud of her and honored to pray for this adventure. I’d love to do the same for you this summer—leave a comment about your own recent steps of faith and how we can support you in prayer.

new to you friday–old girls network

I started the week asking if there was some way to model masculinity for a new generation. So I’ll end it with a nod to the many ways women can also be mentors. It’s a responsibility for all of us—a comment on the original post asked if there might be a twenty-year-old girl who could benefit from a relationship with someone my age. Absolutely. And that girl could be a great role model to a preteen. We’re all “older” to someone.

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Dear older ladies,

First off, do not be offended—by “older” I mean older than me and my friends—not old. Trust me, I’ve been well-trained by my mother that old is at least 10 years older than your current age.

“I just want to age gracefully,” mom says. I’m so lucky to have her as my primary example of godly femininity and she definitely continues to model this as she gets older. Not old. OLDER.


But many women my age and younger don’t have such a great role model, and even those of us who do could benefit from relationships with more than one. I’m writing to ask you to consider committing a few hours each week or even each month for this important job.

As women’s mentoring ministries have hammered into our brains for years, the book of Titus teaches this. And if you want to join or launch a “Titus 2″ group to match older and younger women, that would be a great start. But you don’t have to create anything formal or enlist other volunteers to begin making a difference for the women in my demographic—just choose one or two of us and initiate a relationship.

I know, that’s scary, but if you wait for us to approach you it will never happen. Although I’ve asked a few women to serve as mentors in my life, most of us don’t know we need help—or, if we know, we don’t realize we can ask.


And do we ever need it.

We’re raising kids, raising step kids, trying to get pregnant, trying not to get pregnant. We’re reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” because we have no mother, big sister or aunt to clue us in. We’re choosing between homemaking and working outside the home and most of us are trying to do both, in houses with more convenience features than ever before that somehow we still can’t manage to keep clean. No one ever taught us to mend a hem or sew on a button. We can create websites from scratch but not a loaf of bread. We’re working in offices filled with men and holding our own (although still receiving less pay, but whatever). We’re looking at our marriages and wondering if we made the right choice and if we can make this last another forty years and if we want to and if we’re bad people when we don’t.


We need you—your wisdom, your sense of humor, your perspective, your practical help. We don’t expect the answer to every life question; we know we’re facing more choices than any previous generation of women. But we also know the important principles behind making those decisions haven’t changed. Some long-term coaching would be so helpful as we try to figure it all out.

Besides, there are still young women walking around in tube tops. Until every last one of us dresses attractively but modestly, consider yourselves on retainer. Because living gracefully applies to every age, young and old. I mean, older.

Jen

old girls network

Dear older ladies,

First off, do not be offended—by “older” I mean older than me and my friends—not old. Trust me, I’ve been well-trained by my mother that old is at least 10 years older than your current age.

“I just want to age gracefully,” mom says. I’m so lucky to have her as my primary example of godly femininity and she definitely continues to model this as she gets older. Not old. OLDER.

But many women my age and younger don’t have such a great role model, and even those of us who do could benefit from relationships with more than one. I’m writing to ask you to consider committing a few hours each week or even each month for this important job.

As women’s mentoring ministries have hammered into our brains for years, The book of Titus teaches this. And if you want to join or launch a “Titus 2″ group to match older and younger women, that would be a great start. But you don’t have to create anything formal or enlist other volunteers to begin making a difference for the women in my demographic—just choose one or two of us and initiate a relationship.

I know, that’s scary, but if you wait for us to approach you it will never happen. Although I’ve asked a few women to serve as mentors in my life, most of us don’t know we need help—or, if we know, we don’t realize we can ask.

And do we ever need it. We’re raising kids, raising step kids, trying to get pregnant, trying not to get pregnant. We’re reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” because we have no mother, big sister or aunt to clue us in. We’re choosing between homemaking and working outside the home and most of us are trying to do both, in houses with more convenience features than ever before that somehow we still can’t manage to keep clean. No one ever taught us to mend a hem or sew on a button. We can create websites from scratch but not a loaf of bread. We’re working in offices filled with men and holding our own (although still receiving less pay, but whatever). We’re looking at our marriages and wondering if we made the right choice and if we can make this last another forty years and if we want to and if we’re bad people when we don’t.

We need you—your wisdom, your sense of humor, your perspective, your practical help. We don’t expect the answer to every life question; we know we’re facing more choices than any previous generation of women, but we also know the important principles behind making those decisions haven’t changed. Some long-term coaching would be so helpful as we try to figure it all out.

Besides, there are still young women walking around in tube tops. Until every last one of us dresses attractively but modestly, consider yourselves on retainer. Because living gracefully applies to every age, young and old. I mean, older.

Jen

Last night I attended Kairos, a midweek gathering for 20 and 30-somethings in Nashville. In addition to the regular lineup of sermon and loud Chris Tomlin medley, the evening also included a testimony from an older lady about the Senior Link program.

This program connects young people from Kairos with “seasoned” adults in the church and helps them develop a one-on-one relationship. In her short talk, the Senior Link representative discussed meeting her “mentee” Shannon, their movie nights together, their long talks on phone and email (with Shannon teaching her to use instant messaging), and even their joint efforts to eat healthier. “We decided on a diet plan that works for both of us,” she shared. ”I’m retired and have time, so we agreed that I would shop and cook and Shannon would eat and pay.”

What a fun and healthy example of Titus 2 and of Christian community in general. As I’ve written before, I’m skeptical of the enforced bonding and artificial community created by some small groups, but this kind of personal relationship, in which two people agree to do life together, really appeals to me. Although I am more blessed with female role models than most young women my age, I would benefit from participating in something like this, and I’m a little jealous of Shannon.