an example from a reader

Earlier this year I wrote a post urging “older” ladies to consider proactively building relationships with younger women and helping us navigate marriage and work and parenthood. I received several good comments and then forgot about it until a few weeks ago, when a reader emailed me this message:

I was reading your blog, my mind going in all sorts of directions from N.T. Wright’s books to finding a young woman to mentor. And it HIT me–I AM mentoring a young woman, just not the way I thought it would be.

Once a week, I stay with a young woman, 29 years old, who was diagnosed in January with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. She had just completed her doctorate in physical therapy, her husband was in Afghanistan, they were planning their next chapter of having children. The military brought her husband home and has allowed him to remain in the active military in the States. Since she has already progressed to the point of being on a walker/wheelchair, she needs people to stay with her while her husband works.

I signed up for one day and she talked the whole time—very softly, but talked. At the end of the day I said to her, “You know that I’m 70, have arthritis, and can’t do a lot of your heavy work. I can do light chores, but if you fall, we’ll just have to keep each other company on the floor because I won’t be able to get you up. I need your honesty. What can I do to help? Run errands? Write letters? What?”


She gave me a life-changing response. She said, “I have lots of people to do my work. I have no one to just sit calmly and talk with me.”

So I go once a week and sit calmly and talk with her. She’s telling me about her whole life. So far we are up to age 19. She tells me about her struggles with accepting this disease. She talks about her disappointment at not being able to raise children.

Even at my age and condition, God is using me at what I do best—talking and listening. I know some might dispute my ability to sit quietly and listen, but I can when God calls me to it!

I’m writing to tell you I’m mentoring. And I’m writing to ask for prayer. My daughter said, “Mom, I know this is a God-thing, because otherwise you wouldn’t be doing it.” What she means is, I usually run from anything dealing with sick people. I didn’t even like going with my husband to do home communion! I’m determined to stay with this young woman till…..

Please pray for me.

This friend is choosing to do what she can with where she is. What a great example of obedience as well as a reminder that “mentoring” does not need to be complex or programmed, just an intentional connection between two people. It can also work both ways—I told my friend I suspect she will receive even more from this friendship than she gives.

I’m so proud of her and honored to pray for this adventure. I’d love to do the same for you this summer—leave a comment about your own recent steps of faith and how we can support you in prayer.

on the block

OOOOOOH the irony.

My friend Jeff recently invited me to contribute to a synchroblog (a bunch of people blogging on the same topic) about how to break through creative blocks. And I couldn’t think of a thing to write.

Experiencing writer’s block while working on a post about writer’s block is thirteen kinds of ridiculous, but I know why it’s happening; when I scrolled through the list of Christian “names” who had already written, I was intimidated to submit my little post into the fray. Suddenly it seemed necessary to not only contribute something to the discussion, but to do so with wit AND originality AND humor AND insight AND spiritual depth.

A tall order. Before working on this I’d been sitting in my hotel room in Mobile, Alabama eating peanut butter cookies. That seemed much easier than trying to compete with these other voices.


And that, of course, is the reason I’m stuck. When I write to compete instead of contribute, readers never get my best work. When I try to impress people, I miss the chance to impact them.

“If you want to write, you can,” says Pulitzer Prize-winning author Richard Rhodes. “You’re a human being, with a unique story to tell, and you have every right. If you speak with passion, many of us will listen. We need stories to live, all of us. We live by story. Yours enlarges the circle.”

That circle may be thousands of blog readers or a handful of Twitter followers. Resist the temptation to compare circle sizes; instead, consider what yours needs. What concerns them? Enrages them? Confuses them? What are they talking about, struggling with, laughing at? What stories are they living?

The usual suspects will always collaborate to block our creativity, whether it’s writing a blog post, a church enewsletter, or a book. But I’m learning (thanks, Jeff!) that one of the best ways for me to spark a new thought is to stop managing my “image” and start serving my readers. Considering my community is not only easier than trying to be the next super-blogger, it’s also a lot more fun.


What circles of influence do you have? What do those communities need from you this week?

new to you friday–a question for pastors

I wrote the original post after the earthquake in Haiti, but the same questions apply when it comes to helping Japan. For the record, I am hugely in favor of giving money to these causes. But as one person commented, “People will give to what they perceive as a real need, and it’s possible they do not see supporting ‘church’ as a real need anymore.”

91% of the dollars given to Red Cross provide food and water and medical attention to hurting people. With 75% of a church budget going to staff and facilities and just 10% going to missions, it’s understandable when people direct their charitable dollars to organizations with less overhead and more immediate impact.

But at church, many of us also want concert-level production in the worship center and electronic check-in systems for the kids—all of which cost money. Are we willing to forgo these things to increase our missions giving? What really makes us more “relevant” to the world—and to an emerging generation that values social transformation more than bells and whistles?

For years pastors have told us (usually during stewardship sermons) we need only look at our checkbooks to discover what we value. And it’s true—most of us could definitely spend less on non-essentials and give more to mission. But surely the same is true for churches. What do our budgets say about our true priorities?

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Pastors, a non-PC question: Did it bother you to see so many of your church members give money for Haiti relief when so many aren’t giving to the church?

In January, US nonprofit groups received $528 million in donations for Haiti. Yet recent studies by LifeWay Research indicate that more than 50% of US churches have been negatively affected by the country’s recession and 3% are considering closing their doors. The Barna Group reported similar findings; about 20% of churches have had to cut staff and, ironically, 1 in 25 churches have also cut missions support. (Interestingly, only 3% cut back on building plans and facility improvements. But that’s a subject for another day.)

I’m not saying we shouldn’t give to Haiti relief efforts. But it must be hard to support the Haiti push with an undivided heart when the offering comes in below budget every week and you’re deciding which staff person to lay off next.

People love to give to big causes, but they don’t want to pay the light bills. They’ll give $100 one time but not 10% every week. It’s understandable (as noted earlier, I hate tithing) but our churches are suffering.

Does it bother you? Be honest. It would bother me.

new to you friday–old girls network

I started the week asking if there was some way to model masculinity for a new generation. So I’ll end it with a nod to the many ways women can also be mentors. It’s a responsibility for all of us—a comment on the original post asked if there might be a twenty-year-old girl who could benefit from a relationship with someone my age. Absolutely. And that girl could be a great role model to a preteen. We’re all “older” to someone.

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Dear older ladies,

First off, do not be offended—by “older” I mean older than me and my friends—not old. Trust me, I’ve been well-trained by my mother that old is at least 10 years older than your current age.

“I just want to age gracefully,” mom says. I’m so lucky to have her as my primary example of godly femininity and she definitely continues to model this as she gets older. Not old. OLDER.


But many women my age and younger don’t have such a great role model, and even those of us who do could benefit from relationships with more than one. I’m writing to ask you to consider committing a few hours each week or even each month for this important job.

As women’s mentoring ministries have hammered into our brains for years, the book of Titus teaches this. And if you want to join or launch a “Titus 2″ group to match older and younger women, that would be a great start. But you don’t have to create anything formal or enlist other volunteers to begin making a difference for the women in my demographic—just choose one or two of us and initiate a relationship.

I know, that’s scary, but if you wait for us to approach you it will never happen. Although I’ve asked a few women to serve as mentors in my life, most of us don’t know we need help—or, if we know, we don’t realize we can ask.


And do we ever need it.

We’re raising kids, raising step kids, trying to get pregnant, trying not to get pregnant. We’re reading “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” because we have no mother, big sister or aunt to clue us in. We’re choosing between homemaking and working outside the home and most of us are trying to do both, in houses with more convenience features than ever before that somehow we still can’t manage to keep clean. No one ever taught us to mend a hem or sew on a button. We can create websites from scratch but not a loaf of bread. We’re working in offices filled with men and holding our own (although still receiving less pay, but whatever). We’re looking at our marriages and wondering if we made the right choice and if we can make this last another forty years and if we want to and if we’re bad people when we don’t.


We need you—your wisdom, your sense of humor, your perspective, your practical help. We don’t expect the answer to every life question; we know we’re facing more choices than any previous generation of women. But we also know the important principles behind making those decisions haven’t changed. Some long-term coaching would be so helpful as we try to figure it all out.

Besides, there are still young women walking around in tube tops. Until every last one of us dresses attractively but modestly, consider yourselves on retainer. Because living gracefully applies to every age, young and old. I mean, older.

Jen

american dream

I’m tired of the “Don’t blame me, I voted for…..” bumper stickers. Here are some I’d like to see instead:

“No griping about the welfare state until you’ve mentored a teen mom.”

“Yes, abortion is wrong. How many of those unwanted kids would you like to adopt?”

“I got a good education so I’m tutoring someone who didn’t.”




Last week I had the opportunity to participate in a branding strategy meeting with Matthew Barnett and other leaders of the Dream Center in Los Angeles. In a city where 11,000 people sleep on the streets and 17% of all families live below the poverty line, the Dream Center is making a real difference. Food trucks feed 22,000 people each month. Dorm-style housing provides a place for the addicted to begin again. A mobile medical clinic offers treatment, lab work and pharmacy services to the destitute on Skid Row. (In true California style, the Dream Center even provides free chiropractic services at its headquarters.)

It’s trendy for churches to be involved with “social justice” initiatives, and many of them do a lot of good. But Barnett and his team are more interested in sharing the Gospel (thousands worship at Angelus Temple each week) and social transformation (in the Dream Center’s first four years, local prostitution and gang violence dropped 73%, the homicide rate dropped 28% and rape dropped 53%).


The Dream Center operates under the assumption that the Church—not politics, policy or government programs—is the answer to society’s spiritual and tangible needs. Instead of pointing fingers at dishonest politicians, they focus on restoring wholeness to a city ravaged by the father of lies. Instead of waiting for political hope and change, they’re offering real Hope (and a hot meal) to anyone in need.


I was inspired by my day with them, but also frustrated when I opened Facebook that night to see the usual status updates of context-less Bible verses interspersed with opinions about Obama, Glenn Beck, the Tea Party, Fox News and Sarah Palin. I wondered how many of these friends, across the political spectrum, not only trumpeted their views online but quietly volunteered to improve a specific problem in a specific city.

As Christians, we don’t get to complain because we voted for the other guy. We don’t get to blame everything on the red states or the blue states or sit at home wringing our hands over the state of society. We don’t get to say “the local church is the hope of the world” but be content with community outreach consisting of Upward basketball and scrapbooking.

Instead, we get to partner with God in the restoration of all things. The church can do what politicians cannot, and now I’m dreaming about how to be part of it.

what’s your 20?

My life is completely about me.

It’s an occupational hazard of being single and childless; from spending my time to spending my money, I rarely have to consider anyone else. I even work at home, so I “miss” the conflicts and compromises of office life.

This can be fun, of course (yes, that was me buying a $4 peppermint mocha on Saturday) but it can also create a very self-centered existence. One way God grows our character and maturity is through living in a family or community; although I have lots of friends, I don’t have a daily responsibility to sacrifice for someone else, and I’m probably worse off for it.


So this year I’m participating in Restore Community Church‘s “Big Give.” I heard about the project when interviewing church leaders about their Christmas outreach plans for a future Buzz. (Read all about it in the December 19 issue.) Restore’s “20 for 20″ challenge seemed like the perfect way to intentionally think about others this Christmas.

On Sunday, the church asked members to give a gift to someone—money or time, pricey or not—each day from December 6-25 and share the stories on the Big Give Facebook page.

Yesterday I began by donating $20 to buy a Bible for someone in the CCSI program; in future days I plan to donate to some local causes, randomly pay for other peoples’ $4 coffees, sing carols at a Salvation Army kettle with friends, and just stay open to what opportunities each day brings.

In fact, I’m torn between keeping these to myself (because the only thing less attractive than self-centeredness is regaling others with tales of your sporadic generosity) and sharing them (because the only thing more fun than helping other people is reliving it with a good story).


So how about this: join me!

If you start today, your 20 days will end on the 26th, and it’s high time we began observing Boxing Day in this country, anyway. Then share your stories here and on Restore’s site.

I can’t wait to hear how you bless your neighborhood and your city this month. Or even your office. Now there’s a big give.

new to you friday—give a little

Here are some startling statistics: Americans spend $450 billion each Christmas, lack of clean water kills more people every day than any other cause, and the worldwide water crisis could be solved for just $10 billion.

Starting with those facts, the Advent Conspiracy movement encourages people to spend time with loved ones instead of purchasing gifts and to give that money away in the name of Christ. AC partners with Living Water International to dig wells and provide clean water in Africa, India, and South America, and churches across the country are collecting special offerings this month to benefit Living Water.


Here are some more numbers to get your attention: the amount of money spent just on candy, during just three months of the year, is more than the annual budgets of The American Cancer Society, The American Heart Association, and Habitat for Humanity combined. Redefine Christmas doesn’t ask you to stop all gift-giving or redirect your candy money toward clean water (although it does add a whole second layer of guilt to that Snickers bar, doesn’t it?). Instead, they urge you to give to family, friends, and charitable causes at the same time by donating to organizations reflecting the interests and passions of the recipient.

For instance, Jen Gherardi, a Christian Standard reader who wrote to tell me about Redefine Christmas, suggests you honor the parent or grandparent who read you countless bedtime stories with a donation to First Book or another charity dedicated to improving literacy and providing books to needy children. Your sister who loves to cook might be touched with a donation in her name to a ministry dedicated to alleviating hunger, your animal-loving brother would appreciate a gift to the ASPCA, and your best friend who adores So You Think You Can Dance could enjoy knowing you made a gift to the Alvin Ailey Dance Foundation.

(If enough of us gave to that, these reality shows might eventually go off the air—and that’s what they mean by a gift that keeps on giving, folks.)


Redefine Christmas provides links to all these groups and hundreds more and provides a personalized card for you to announce each gift. You can also purchase gift cards for the recipient who might enjoy choosing her own charity and “gift baskets” with assortments of charities united by a topic like mentoring children, planting trees, or working for peace. The site even offers ecards for you to request donations to your own favorite organization in lieu of gifts for yourself.

My family stopped giving gifts to each other a few years ago. While I’d like to say this decision was driven by philanthropy, the more pressing reasons were the cost of buying them and the hassle of schlepping them around the country. (A holiday tip: If you ever have the opportunity to check a bag and fly the red-eye at 12:00 a.m. on Christmas Eve from LAX to Cincinnati, just……don’t.)

But it’s not too late to redirect some Christmas dollars toward improving the world, and this year I plan to join the conspiracy and redefine my Christmas by giving to a worthy cause. I may start with Alvin Ailey.

new to you friday–enough is enough

This week I speed-read a book about a new ministry in Africa in preparation for a phone interview with the founder. The book detailed the poverty and misery in Africa: children sniffing bostik (a mixture of gasoline and glue) to drug themselves long enough to forget being raped twice that day. Entire families destroyed by AIDS, buried in the yard while grandparents care for the surviving grandchildren—all HIV positive. The days without food, the months without clean water.

I read it while sipping a coffee from Starbucks, wearing clothes from Ann Taylor Loft, making notes on a Macbook and surfing Amazon to buy a new copy of “To Kill a Mockingbird” to read for my book club. That was when I decided it was time to revisit this post.

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Moving day, more than any other day, makes you keenly aware of how much junk you really own.

On Saturday my mom and dad and some good friends helped me (finally) move into my new house, a process that involved carrying roughly 3,267 boxes of stuff plus two couches, three chairs, a desk, four bookshelves, an iron bed frame and the heaviest dining room table ever made. As I do every time I move (this was the fifth one in eleven years), I found myself amazed at how much I’ve accumulated—14 antique china place settings and three matching salad plates (Grandma was prone to dropping things). Dozens of books I fully intend to read. Half-used hair products. Barbie dolls with complete outfits. The original packaging for Standard’s 1984 VBS craft kit featuring my smiling face.


So, some seriously good stuff.

And I wondered again, for at least the fifth time, if it’s wrong to have so much when most of the world has so little.

I’ve written about this before, and reading a blog post by Steve Denney stirred up the same questions. He quotes from Peter Singer, who asserts that while all of us would rush into a pond to save a drowning toddler without hesitating to worry about ruining our nice shoes, many of us struggle to metaphorically “wade in” and help save the 10 million children under five who die from poverty each year.

“Prompted by the pages of Singer’s book, it just seems wrong that I buy bottled water when I can get it from the tap,” Steve writes. “That I waste money on coffee. That I throw away food that I cannot eat (or don’t want to eat).”


I’m reminded of Schindler’s List, when the war ends and Oskar Schindler realizes every belonging he kept—each ring, each car, each suit—could have rescued another Jew from the death camps. When I watch that movie I condemn him; of course he should have sold the gold ring and flashy car to save more people. When lives are at stake, shouldn’t someone give all he can?

Steve’s point is people still die, and we face the same choices. Shouldn’t we give all we can?

But if I get rid of everything, I’ll be poor and others will have to take care of me. So that’s not the answer. Do I keep just enough to live on and give away the rest? Define “live on”—what does that include? Rice and beans and a vitamin pill, or can I have steak and ice cream occasionally? How often? Yes, coffee IS a necessity, but how about soda? One a week?

What about health insurance and retirement savings? I trust God to take care of me, but often He does that by allowing me to plan responsibly. Is it a sin to live modestly yet keep megabucks in my IRA?

The real question is when “enough” becomes excess. We all spend money on non-essentials, and it’s easy to judge others. Some could see my move as an acquisitional move up, although my new mortgage payment is actually less than my rent and in many ways this purchase was about good stewardship. On the other hand, a few of my friends recently sold their own houses, downsized to rentals or condos, and gave the difference to causes they care about.


Like Steve, I have become increasingly aware of just how much money I waste. But with each passing year, each passing move, I also become convinced this is one more gray area in a faith we often prefer black and white. Enough becomes too much when it becomes more important than obedience to Christ, and He asks each of us to sacrifice in different ways. I’m glad He hasn’t asked me to give up coffee yet.

new to you friday–on the money

Some things have changed since I first posted this.

Louie the cat has gone to the great mouse hunting grounds in the sky, I’ve stopped with the meat completely, and I purchased (terrible, covers-nothing) health insurance. I still sponsor Eko through Compassion and I added a boy named Kelvin, who just turned five and sends me pictures of cows and has trouble writing the N in his name.


But other things remain the same. (Believe me, the mid-30s are no time to start skimping on moisturizer.)

How about you? What do you spend money on, and what does that say (good or otherwise) about your priorities?

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This past week I not only paid my 2006 federal and state taxes, but also paid the first quarterly installment of my self-employment taxes for 2007. I’d known since last winter that this April was coming and had been saving accordingly, so it was okay to write the checks. (Well, as okay as it can be when one’s money is going for this.)

But it got me thinking about how I spend my money, and wondering how it compares to other people. Obviously it’s a personal issue, and it varies considerably depending on one’s age, health, marital status, number of kids, interests, etc.


Other than taxes and giving to your local church—both of which I hope are part of your regular routine—how else do you allocate your funds? What are you willing to spend money on and what aren’t you?

And when I say “spend money on,” I mean where do you a) invest in necessities at a higher price or (presumably) better quality or b) budget for and purchase non-necessities and splurges?


I’ll start.

I spend money on antioxidants and endorphins: organic food, yoga classes, and good moisturizers. Ironically I don’t spend money (right now) for health insurance.

I spend money to sponsor a boy named Eko in Indonesia through Compassion International but I don’t buy fund-raising products from kids selling them door to door.

I spend money on plane tickets and travel but not day-to-day transportation; I expect my cars to last at least a few years after they’re paid off and I drove the last one until the engine threatened to fall out the bottom and lay smoking on Highway 5 in San Diego.

I don’t spend money on jewelry (that’s for a nice boy to do someday) or jeans (hello, Goodwill) but I’ve been known to spend money on other things to wear. I spend money on coffee beans and the occasional nice meal out. I don’t spend money on paper towels, cleaning products, or dry cleaning. (Vinegar and water cleans everything, and if I can’t machine wash it I don’t need it. If I could find a way to dryclean things with vinegar, I’d be in heaven.)

I don’t spend money on meat for me (I don’t like it) or high-quality food for my cat (who’s going to throw it up on my carpet later anyway).

I spend money on a carpet cleaner.

I spend money on DVD rentals but not cable. I spend money on haircuts but not shampoo. I love live music, but I never spend money on concerts, and I’m not sure why.

I suspect your buying patterns are the same combination of intentional and completely contradictory. What do you spend money on?

flooded with blessings

This post brought to you by Facebook and a flood.

My friend Amy recently wrote, “Jen, I would love to read your thoughts on this: if we live happily and comfortably, should we be thankful to God for it or should we be on red alert because it probably means we’re not sacrificing enough? And I’m not talking about being ‘rich,’ per se, I’m talking about simple stuff like having a refrigerator and clean water and an extra set of sheets and towels and more than one pair of underwear…that sort of thing. I never know if I should be joyful or nervous when I realize I’m comfortable and happy…!”

And then Nashville received almost 14 inches of rain in two days, flooding streets, destroying homes and businesses, and killing 18 people. Suddenly it did seem only the luckiest had extra towels and uncontaminated water.

And I got to thinking about “stuff,” and the things we say about stuff.

How many of the following have you heard?

1. “Compared to 95% of the world’s population we are ALL rich, just by being born in this country.”

2. “It’s not wrong to have money, it’s about the condition of your heart and what you do with the money.”

3. “The person who dies with the most toys still dies.”

4. “He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.” – Jim Elliot

It’s true we have won the global lottery just by being Americans, especially those of us who are white middle-class Americans. Should we feel guilty for that?

It’s true that love of money, not the money itself, causes many evils. But rich is relative; if I shop for secondhand clothes before lunch out with friends and my sister buys clothes at the mall but packs her lunch, who’s a “better steward”? And how do I know if my heart is right?

It’s true we can’t take it with us. But God put me on the planet—is it so wrong to want a few vacations and a food processor?

It’s true our treasures in heaven vastly surpass our treasures here. But is anyone else in the universe as spiritual as Jim Elliot was?


Discussions of money and our faith often raise more questions than they answer, because—like so many things—we want black and white answers, and—like so many things—the answers are as muddy as the Cumberland River water swamping downtown Nashville. The problem is the fall affected this aspect of our natures just as it warped every other part of us, so something God created as good—sharing and giving—now includes guilt and manipulation and comparison.

As my dad once wryly observed, if we give all our money away to care for the poor, we’ll be poor and people will have to take care of us. (By the way, my dad is one of the most generous people I know.)

On the other extreme, What Jesus Would Not Do is spend more on iTunes downloads and Diet Coke than he gives away.

So what’s the answer?

Well, Amy, since you asked, here’s my opinion: God asks us to give 10%, which may not have been hard for Jim Elliot but which I hate. And that’s as much black and white as he gives us. Beyond that, we ask him if we’re doing enough and if we’re doing the right things. We keep asking, every week or every month, and obey the best we can.

And no, you should not feel guilty about being happy or having more than you need. Guilt is not helpful. Instead, let the gratitude for these blessings prompt you to do more so that others can also have a warm place to sleep, dry clothes, enough food. Keep asking God to let you know if you should do something else, or something more specific like giving time, and be prepared to not always like his answer. Keep asking God for humility, too, so that when you sponsor a child in Africa or volunteer at a soup kitchen it remains a gift to God, not a cause for pride. And then, if you and God are at peace about your checkbook and your motives, be at peace. Enjoy a week at the beach with your family or a vanilla latte or a new sweater and thank God for the blessing.


And if you want to help Nashville, click here.