how to spice up your church newsletter

Between the new project I’m doing for Standard, my regular Buzz column, managing Christian Church Today, and compiling weekly news about the NACC and its speakers, I read a LOT of church newsletters.

They typically include the same things—a note from the senior pastor promoting the new sermon series, announcements of baby dedication day or a youth group fundraiser, small group sign-up info, a link to the church’s Facebook page, an ad for some program created by Dave Ramsey, a quote from some book written by Max Lucado.

Predictable. A bit boring. No wonder your readership isn’t growing!

 

So in the spirit of being a blessing, I offer a few ideas for new features guaranteed to spike your subscription numbers:

–Top Five Tithers, Year To Date

–People Who Haven’t Given One Red Cent

–Match The Elder To His Wife’s Embarrassing Nickname For Him

–Guess Who Confessed This Sin?

–Last Week’s Internet Searches, Sorted By Staff Member

–The Baptistry Pool: Bet On When The Next Person Will Be Baptized

–Congregants Recently Seen Buying Alcohol

–Bible Verses That Sound Dirty

–The Prayer Request You Only Thought You Knew

–Last Person To Give $5 Online Is Directing VBS

–Who Should the Youth Minister Be Dating?

–Guess The Weight Of The Pastor’s Wife (Chik-Fil-A Gift Certificate To The Winner!)

–Remaining Dollars In Thousands Owed by Senior Pastor for Bible College Student Loans (A Chart Updated Weekly Since 1989)

–”The Act of Marriage” Quote Of The Week

–What REALLY Happened At The Women’s Retreat

Any others spring to mind?

subject lines of recent emails I have not opened

Forget everything you know about beef jerky!

6 ways to wear polka dots

Have a real “Dancing with the Stars” experience

Have you been wasting your life?

A lesson from Play-Doh

56% off Go-Karts


Wanna go to Guam?

Rachael Ray said, “I love this!”

New purses under $600

Get a free ham

Our CEO raps!

grace notes

“Are we allowed to eat?”

Spend enough time around Christians and two things will happen: a) we’ll eat, because it is one of our few vices and b) a latecomer to the gathering will ask this question.


For those of you not part of the subculture, the person is really asking, “Have we said a rushed, cliche-filled ‘blessing’ for this food? Because you must do so before eating anything with protein.” (In youth group we prayed before pizza, but not before chips.)


Prayers—sincere, thoughtful prayers—of thanks before a meal are appropriate and even biblical (Matthew 14 & 15, Matthew 26, Luke 24, Acts 27). And for some people it is a meaningful moment. But for too many others it’s a requirement to be rushed through before the food gets cold.

Perhaps this is a small thing to be annoyed by (or blog about), but it’s a symptom of more significant problems. We scoff at the Pharisees who constructed elaborate laws about the Sabbath but missed the whole point of rest and worship. Are we any better? We insist on a mumbled prayer before eating (bonus points if we can use it to “witness” in restaurants), but how many of us think about the words we’re saying, or give thanks for our blessings at other times? Does our gratefulness ever prompt us to provide food for those in need?


Sometimes I pray before I eat. Sometimes I don’t. If we cross paths at a potluck, I promise never to ask if the Jello salad has been blessed. But I do have some other questions:

—Couldn’t we just pray once over everything in our grocery cart and call it good until the next shopping trip?

—What about leftovers?

—What if there’s a gap between dinner and dessert? Is dessert “covered”?

—Which is worse: to skip prayer in a restaurant or to pray and then be rude to the waitress?

—What about giving thanks for food we shouldn’t be eating in the first place? (If I’m about to consume a Burger King Triple Stacker with bacon, shouldn’t I be praying for my arteries to survive it?)

—And how do you think Jesus would look in a tuxedo t-shirt?

 

things I don’t understand, part 11

The circumstances that would cause anyone to need a “Trenta” size coffee from Starbucks.

Talking on your cell phone while using the bathroom.

Why the world needs a fourth “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie.

Why Nashville schools are closed two days for half an inch of snow.


Long hair on men. If David Beckham can’t pull it off, you definitely can’t.

Choosing pest extermination as one’s profession.

Why Pentecostal women wear so much eye makeup.

Scrapbooking. I’m sorry, I just don’t.

Growing a beard long enough to braid.




Why my neighbor’s roosters crow at one in the afternoon.

Why my neighbors have roosters.

Parts 1-10 here.

go (far away) and tell it on the mountain

Merry Christmas, friends.

merry christmas to me

Earlier this year I wrote about my desire, at the late age of 34, to finally discover who I am and what I really want. “Is it too late to backpack through Europe?” I wrote. “Can I be an honorary Millennial even if I have a mortgage?”


It’s a cliche to talk about “finding myself,” but this spring I’ll at least find myself someplace new………..because Sunday I booked a flight to Europe!


In May I’ll backpack through Paris, Munich and Berlin with my friend Bree. We’re going to stay in hostels, travel by train, and occasionally forget we are vegetarians.

One (wonderful) trip isn’t going to magically answer all questions about my purpose and future goals, but it will scratch the itch for adventure and fun that I’ve ignored for too long.

“I want to want something,” I wrote in June. Well, I identified one thing I want and I’m taking steps to make it happen. Now to get a book deal so the whole thing is deductible…….

some christmas lists

The “O Holy Night” list was my first-ever “New to You Friday,” and I think it may become a perennial first-post-after-Thanksgiving classic.

It’s a message the world needs to hear.


But those of you who have already agreed not to sing the song in public deserve the reward of something new. So here is my list of the DVDs I will NOT be adding to my Netflix queue in December:

Black Christmas: “In this remake of the 1974 slasher classic, a bloodthirsty psychopath breaks free from a mental institution and returns to the house where he killed his family on Christmas Eve many years earlier — which happens to now be a sorority house.”

Ernest Saves Christmas: Enough said.

Jingle All the Way: “Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this hilarious holiday romp as a harried dad charged with procuring the toy of the year. Anyone who’s ever gone through hell and high water for a Tickle Me Elmo doll will find much to love here.” I haven’t and I won’t.

Santa Claus Conquers the Martians: “The Martians kidnap Santa because there is nobody on Mars to give their children presents.”

A Christmas Family Tragedy: “Filmmakers Matt Hodges and Eric Calhoun use re-creations, interviews and historic photos to chronicle the events of Christmas Day 1929, when farmer Charlie Lawson killed his wife, six children and himself in one of the South’s most legendary crimes.”

Santa with Muscles: Stars Hulk Hogan as Santa. That’s not a typo.

Fred Claus: “The joy and happiness of the holiday season is ruined for the saintly Santa Claus when his cranky older brother, Fred  — a repo man with a sizable rap sheet — comes to stay with him at the North Pole.”

To Grandmother’s House We Go: “Those adorable Olsen twins try to run off to Grandma’s for Christmas, but are stymied along the way when they inadvertently get involved with some bumbling kidnappers.”


The Star Wars Holiday Special: “Introducing Chewbacca’s family…..His father, Itchy….His son, Lumpy….”

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People who should be allowed to sing “O Holy Night” in public:
–Placido Domingo
–Renee Fleming
–Sandi Patty
–The Vienna Boys Choir

People who should not:
–Jessica Simpson
–The Muppets
–Bob Seger
–Boy bands
–Aaron Neville
–Anyone who’s competed on American Idol
–You
–Me
–Everyone else in the universe

new to you friday–girl scout badges for today’s women

Guys, I’d love a companion post from your perspective. Anyone want to write about the boy scout awards today’s men are earning?

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The Upper Hand: Awarded for juggling three bags of groceries, a large purse, a cell phone and mail while successfully unlocking the front door without dropping anything. Bonus points if the grocery bag contains eggs or you are also holding a baby.

The Slim Chance: Awarded to any woman who can wear a size eight after age 40.

The This Too Shall Pass: For handing the communion tray to the person sitting next to you without bitterness that you’re not allowed to stand at the end of the row and receive it.

The Sick and Tired: For keeping one’s mouth shut when, after you’ve spent years of your life pregnant and endured the subsequent excruciating deliveries, your husband a) whimpers like a toddler from a splinter; b) takes to his bed for three days during his annual cold and demands 24 hour bedside service; c) refuses to consider a vasectomy because of his fear of medical procedures.

The Don’t Cramp My Style: For attending two business meetings, accomplishing four things off the to-do list, swinging by the grocery store, and attending a ballet recital/T-ball game/soccer practice while wearing heels instead of curling up under the covers with cramps like you want to.

The Clothes Call: One badge awarded for each shopping trip with a daughter age 8-18 in which you successfully prevent purchases of halter tops, low-rise pants, short-shorts, and anything designed to show one’s navel. Award is not invalidated by daughter’s tears or public outbursts proclaiming her hatred of you.

The Grace Note: For smiling and nodding when, after the meeting you helped lead, one of the male participants asks you to Xerox his notes.

The Big Event: Automatically awarded upon completion of your 20^th ladies banquet, tea or retreat involving hats, finger sandwiches, scrapbooking, and/or “spa” manicures.

The Shear Magic: For blowdrying your hair into a style remotely resembling anything you left the salon with after your last cut.

The Wonder Woman: For somehow summoning the superhuman strength not to say, “No, PMS isn’t the problem. You’re just especially annoying today.”

my life in texts

I loved seeing you tonight. I’ll be calmer next time.

Can we connect today, nowish?

I have actually met some normal people there.

What are you wearing?

On my way.

I’ve apparently made a wrong turn. Sigh.

Almost there.

Just five minutes late….hey, not as bad as last week.

Where is it?

Like it would kill them to have a sign.

I don’t think you’re too Christian unless you’re into snake handling.

I have some stuff (good) to tell you.

Hey, watch Undercover Boss on CBS tonight. The boss is my boss.

Sleepy and grumpy at LAX.

You flirted with the guy who cooks the fries?

I’m asking him to call your Google voice—please pick up.

Driving home with my left foot on the dashboard and thought of you.

By the way Keb Mo has confirmed.

My cab driver just tried to sell me Amway and introduce me to Jesus.

Jen, can I wear jeans and leather flip flops on a first date?

What if I have a horrible infected ingrown toenail?

Last night I assigned ring tones. Yours is The Real Slim Shady.

I’m sorry…..at least you made good time.

Christian publisher?

Just thinking about you. I love you and I miss you.

All’s well that…..yeah, you know the rest.

new to you friday–to be and to have

It’s been a heavy week here on the ‘ol blog, so let’s end with some smiles. This is still one of my favorite movies and one I still think should be required viewing for anyone who works with kids.

In the time since the original post, YouTube yanked the video I first linked to—which is great because it forced me to look for this one, which is even more wonderful. Take eight minutes out of your Friday to enjoy it.

————————————————————————————————

I love action movies. But I also love kids, good teachers, and laughing, and this slow-paced, reflective movie is full of all three.

To Be and To Have is a documentary which follows a small classroom of students and their wonderful teacher George Lopez throughout the seasons in rural France. The big ones learn geometry while the little ones practice their numbers—all in the same classroom.

It sounds idyllic, and it largely is because of Lopez’s skill at keeping the fifteen or so students quiet and on task whether he’s giving them personal attention at the moment or not. He accomplishes this by communicating high expectations and treating the children with respect—as a result, the kids don’t want to disappoint him. When the inevitable squabbles happen, he models conflict resolution. And he finds the teachable in every moment.


I highly recommend this if you have kids, teach kids, or want to do either one. Your Blockbuster should have it, and if not, impress the Netflix people with your savoir faire. (It’s in French with English subtitles. Don’t be scared. You forget after a few minutes.)

To Be and To Have is a great example of the impact of one life—plus there’s JoJo, the delightful 4-year-old who needs help washing his hands and sticks pencils up his nose.