holy crap
Recently I’ve had four different, difficult conversations that involved setting boundaries, or saying something that was honest but really hard to say, or confronting totally inappropriate behavior, etc.
I hated it. I’m good at it, but I hated it.
No one enjoys conflict—or should, anyway—because it’s complicated and messy and makes our guts twist into little ribbons. It’s also something to approach carefully because the line between “confronting in love” and just being a jerk can be a fine one. (Boundaries are like PMS—real, but used as an excuse for lots of bad behavior.)
Yet the Bible is full of examples of God doing this—saying hard things, demonstrating both truth and grace, setting limits, allowing people to experience the consequences of their actions.
Unfortunately, the difficult-ness often wins out over the biblical-ness and we are all guilty of avoiding the conflict and hoping it will go away. Of course, it rarely does and often surfaces to cause much bigger problems later.
I’ve written about this before, but I think it needs more attention, especially in the church world.
As Stephen Simpson writes in a recent Rethink Monthly article,
“In my fifteen years as a psychotherapist, I have encountered few human systems so consistently dysfunctional as church staffs. I’ve heard of pastors doing things that would make the most ambitious CEOs blush. Though most of us only hear about this when a high-profile church leader’s grandiosity leads to recklessness, most of the time acrimony and dysfunction continue behind the scenes for years.”
So I’ll be blogging more frequently about these topics. It won’t be every week, but it will be a new recurring feature—starting next week with the humbling example of a friend confronting me.
In the meantime, tell me what you think. Is this a problem for you, your church, your workplace? Why do we struggle in these areas? What topics should we discuss here?
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Jennifer Taylor
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It’s often a problem for me because other’s opinions of me matter too much. Where I should just use those opinions as a diagnostic tool to keep me on track, I too often crave maintaining a relationship more than I crave helping them to be holy (or to perform better in a job setting).
The flip side is that I have often benefitted greatly when someone has been willing to confront me. So I should want to extend that benefit to others.
Good topic – and a tough one!
I hope to learn from you and the other posters, Jenn!
Thanks, Al. I think there are two things here–one is that, yes, speaking truth in love does make all of us better. Two, it makes it much easier for the organizations we care about to thrive, because if we let problems fester they will only get worse. Keep the feedback coming–we can all learn from each other on this one.
‘Holy Crap’ is the most awesome title for this blog post…it made me crack up and I think it is just perfect!
I think an area for you to explore here on the blog would be how available we are as Christians to receive tough information (not very in most cases). In my observation, folks are quick to pick up a book, such as, Your Best Life Now or Purpose Driven Life, read the pages with conviction but then actual advancement toward change is hindered by ??? (past pain, pain of change, comfort zones)
Anyhow, let’s talk about that when it’s time.
Good point. We’ll even read and underline a book about Boundaries–but stop short of implementing the difficult bits.
Often we see the need for change, and may even have the desire, gather the resources needed, etc. nut then we don’t follow through. I remember reading a long time ago that people only change when it becomes more uncomfortable to stay the way we are than it is to change. So as much as I may want to change in a given area of my life, as long as it’s easier to stay the way I am, I usually will.
In Donald Miller’s blog back in January, he talked about an alternative to New Year’s Resolutions, which he calls “Living a Good Story”. One step in that process is to “Create an Inciting Incident. Characters don’t want to change. That’s why so many new-years resolutions fail. We write down that we want to lose twenty pounds and end up gaining ten. It happens every year. What we are overlooking is a principle that every good screenwriter knows: Characters don’t change without being forced to change. An inciting incident is the event in a movie that causes upheaval in the protagonist life. The protagonist, then, naturally seeks to return to stability. And in order to do that, he HAS to solve his new problem.”
Not exactly on topic for your blog post, but on topic for this part of the comment thread.
I absolutely cringe as some of the crude illustrations coming out of the mouths of those behind the pulpit (that used to be called “the sacred desk”). Especially the explicit “interpretations” of certain passages. I feel badly for the elderly widows who have to sit there and be subjected to all this “holy crap.” Hey all you young “scholars” ~ 99.9% of the time “sexual” is used in the Bible it is condemning illicit relations, not praising the marriage relationship.
Well, that’s a different take on the post’s title, but I see your point, Victor.
Were you just confronted concerning the title of a post about confrontation? You are a good woman Jennifer Taylor.
Jennifer,
After 35+ years in the ministry, I think Stephen Simpson is absolutely correct.
My only observation, is one I read years ago. “The Church does not have a theology of conflict.” As a result, we see all conflict as bad – avoid it – deny it – hide it. And end up acting in very dysfunctional ways!