new to you friday–a promise
I hadn’t been blogging very long when I posted this one, and it got more comments than almost anything I’d written to that point. Apparently people have very strong feelings about this issue; several wrote amens to my post while others urged more grace toward parents doing their best.
I get that it’s easy for someone without kids to be judgmental, but really I’m not forming opinions about your parenting. Raise your child as you see fit…..but when Junior throws a fit, please remove him quickly from the auditorium.
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No matter how much I want to be there, and no matter how convinced I am that the rest of the world adores my three children ages two through five, I will never bring them to a Good Friday service and allow them to cry, talk, and loudly announce they “have to potty” while the minister dramatically reads Matthew 26.
There are just some things you don’t get to do if you have small children, and I promise to remember that after mine arrive, even if every other parent in this country does not.
I will not take them to movie theaters to see anything that is not animated (and maybe not even those until they’re school-aged), I will not lug them to Disneyland and force them to miss their naptime and then punish them for being cranky in the Happiest Place on Earth, all while annoying hundreds of other people by running my stroller into their ankles, and I will not take them to weddings since there is at least a 50% chance the bride and groom will only do this once and do not want the primary memory to be a baby crying.
If there is a nursery, I will review the safety practices in place and then leave my child there during the church service, as hard as it might be to accept that the tot will be able to handle an entire hour out of my presence (and might even enjoy it). If for some reason I must keep the child with me during the service, I will step outside the instant the inevitable crying/ whining/ whimpering/ screeching/ squealing starts, rather than expecting the kid to suddenly be quiet because I look at him sternly or move him from one side of my lap to the other.
This is my promise to you all.
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Jennifer Taylor
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I have to second the thought about promising to raise obedient, considerate, and respectful children.
I HATE seeing/hearing children whining and crying and throwing fits in church or at a store or in an amusement park or any where else. It drives me nuts. But I think its the parents’ fault for not teaching them.
I have found my original idea of putting the kids in a barrel and feeding them through the bung hole is now frowned upon by the government and touchy-feely types. I HAD planned on closing the bung hole when they reached puberty and letting the kids out once they hit adulthood. But now I have to revert to plan B – actually training my children!
Its been my experience that children act as they are expected and allowed to act. Yes, sometimes they are tired and sometimes sick. If possible, we have skipped events when sick, as do not want to get others sick. But sometimes we can’t. And guess what? Sometimes mom and dad are sick or tired. But we are expected to act well even so.
If we allow our kids to act poorly in what ever situation they will have a difficult time learning to act appropriately when needed. I believe children need to be exposed to all situations, including restaurants, theaters, church, etc, in order to learn how one is expected to behave in such circumstances. The more often they are exposed to those situations and taught how to act, the quicker they will learn how to act in those situations.
I have had occasion to have to leave an event because of an unruly child, but said child was then properly instructed and did not choose to act unruly again in that venue.
In my experience, children WILL rise to the level of expectation – f at all possible (some people will not be able to, but will still rise as high as they can towards the level of expectation). And the results of treating children as if they are expected to behave well is that they generally behave well. Sometimes it might take a certain look, or a word, or a tone of voice, but they can learn to moderate their effusive/bored/etc behavior. Eventually, they begin to know how to act and will act that way without prompting.
I mostly agree. We bring Malcolm (almost 1) into worship services with us for the music because we want to worship as a family, but then we take him to the nursery for the rest of the time. I’m pretty sensitive to him making noise and disturbing other people, and usually take him out at first peep, but nevertheless I’m sure it still bothers some people.
It is funny, though, how things change once you become a parent. Now I very rarely like to do things I can’t take Malcolm to. And I kind of feel like he’s a person just like the rest of us, so he has the right to participate in various activities. He’s really too young to have temper tantrums or discipline problems, so I don’t have any experience in what that’s really like… I’d like to think he’ll be perfectly disciplined, but he’s only human!
Ooohhh, good one. As a mother of two daughters, I both agree and disagree with you on this one. Mostly agree. I did not and do not take my children to places where they should not be, including movies, restaurants, plays, and even stores that are primarily geared for adults. I cannot stand to see children being given free reign, while parents appear oblivous to the inappropriateness of their behavior. There have been behavioral stages each has gone through when I wouldn’t even take them to Target or the grocery until they could mind me better. I’ve had more than a few dirty looks for cramming an oversized child into a grocery cart seat because they had not yet earned the freedom to walk beside the cart because of their behavior. And more dirty looks when I’ve had to take a child out and discipline them in a way some people don’t agree with.
All that being said, the only way to teach your children to behave in these settings is to put them in these settings, albeit sparingly at first. At the church we attend, many young parents skip worship altogether because they are overwhelmed with dealing with their own children’s behavior. They only attend when their children can be in a class or nursery. So their children never learn to sit still and be quiet during a worship service – you can’t teach them to do that in your living room, you have to teach them in that setting. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken my kids in and out and in and out during worship service before so as not to disturb others. But sometimes they behave badly so they you will take them out (kids want to go play in the lobby!), which complicates the situation.
You can ask anyone – my children are extremely well-behaved 98% of the time. But they are children, and all children (like adults) have their moments. So, yes, I have high expectations for their behavior, but I also have to give some grace to their short-attention spans and immaturity. I try to give that to other parents, as well. You never know what you’re gonna get, and some kids are just born more difficult than others. I realize that that is not the particular burden I have had to bear, and I am grateful. When you’ve seen red-eyed mommas in a heap, overwhelmed and exhausted, barely able to get through the day with an overactive toddler – you begin to realize that they’re not oblivious to some behaviors – they just can’t hole up in their house for 5 years so that they don’t bother anyone else. I think mommas need mentors, and a lot of grace. Just like we all do.
Thanks for the lively post!
“I think mommas need mentors, and a lot of grace. ”
I totally agree. And they need daddies who step in and help guide their children. Its amazing how the kids will obey dad when they will ignore mom. I think its wrong, but thems the facts.
Our four kids are well behaved also, most of the time. We always get complimented in restaurants or theaters or the doctor’s office, or where ever we go that people seem to have the bad experience of children choosing to not act well. But its because we expect it and teach it and discipline for not behaving well.
There was a time when I’d take the kids to the store and have two with their hands in my left hand pockets of my jeans and two with their hands in my right hand pockets of my jeans while I pushed the cart full of groceries. It was a sight, I’ll tell you!
But they learned quickly to behave or they would find it unpleasant. They did not like walking at Dad’s pace with their hand in my pockets.
It’s definitely a problem with two sides. On the one hand, I don’t have kids and don’t feel I should have to move seats in a restaurant or miss half the dialogue in a movie because someone else does have them.
On the other hand, I totally understand and agree with the point that kids won’t learn how to behave unless they are in situations where they *can* learn it. I remember going to dinner with friends years ago and their 3 year old was giving them fits. I’m sure the people around us hated us. Recently we went out again and the same little girl, now 6 or 7, politely told the waitress what she wanted, colored her kids menu, and talked to me and her mom. So if children are our future, as the Whitney Houston song goes, I understand that it takes some of the earlier experience to make that future generation a bit more socially adept.
Bottom line for me is I’m more okay with it in church (unless it’s a crying baby and the parent just refuses to leave, in which case I want to drop kick them out of the sanctuary) because our relationship as the body of Christ is supposed to be counter-cultural-—we show grace, we gather to worship as a Family of families, and we put up with inconveniences for the greater good.
When the kid started screaming during the climactic scene of The Sixth Sense, I was less okay with it.
On the one hand…I’m annoyed and cringe when a child starts screaming with no reaction whatsoever from the parent. And while I don’t have kids…I’ve certainly taken care of everybody else’s kids, so I feel like I do have *some* knowledge of what it’s like and steps to take with multiple personalities of children. Not to mention a degree in it
However, having *kind of* been there, done that…and also just being a person who adores children…I find it hard to make a blanket statement. I nannied for a child for a time who was incredibly well-behaved but she still had her moments. She was 2 during that time, after all. And sometimes it’s just not possible to calm/reason with the child OR leave.
I agree with Kristie–there has to be a sort of training in order to have well-behaved children in the first place. I remember sitting beside a friend whose 18 month old was acting up in church once and overhearing the person behind me snidely remark “well THAT was long overdue” when she took her out of the sanctuary. I got a *slight* satisfaction a couple of months ago when that same woman had to carry her own screaming toddler out of the auditorium!
(that makes me awful, doesn’t it)
I also remember my yoga teacher telling me once that she trained her children at McDonald’s to eat properly in a restaurant…so that when she did take them to a nice sit-down place they wouldn’t know the difference.
And I say all of this keeping in mind that the children who live in my home someday will have personalities unlike any I’ve ever encountered (because all children do) and that I will have to adapt my life accordingly. Hopefully that means I won’t have to force adaptation on many others
Parents attend a church service while allowing their children to trample the fifth commandment. Isn’t that like a married man attending a church service with his mistress? Perhaps I am missing something and, depending on the circumstances, there is a good excuse for both.
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