forgiveness’ sake
A chance (?) conversation last week re-opened some old wounds, scars which I thought had long since healed.
Not completely.
The conversation was actually encouraging and its initiator is not to blame—but I spent most of Thursday thinking back over the last decade and the choices I’ve made.
And the time I wasted. No one’s ever accused me of raging optimism, so not surprisingly I focused on the negative—the relationships I stayed in too long, the one I wish had worked out, the things I might have changed. The huge amount of physical and emotional energy I invested into my work and the microscopic difference it made. The things I wish I had said, hadn’t said, had said another way.
It was a great day.
On Friday, during my drive to the airport, by chance (?) one of my favorite songs shuffled up on my iPod—“The Heart of the Matter” by Don Henley.
“I’ve been trying to get down
to the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don’t love me anymore.”
The old pop hit talks about letting go of old pain, old loves, the people in your life “who’ve come and gone.” It’s about forgiving them so the anger against them doesn’t ruin you.
I’ve listened to this song at least 200 times, but for the first time I realized I don’t need to forgive that (handsome, arrogant) boyfriend. I don’t need to forgive the various people at that (bureaucratic, dysfunctional) workplace.
I need to forgive myself.
The truth is, I did the best I could. If I knew then what I know now, things would look very different, but I couldn’t know those things at age 25. Unfortunately, in life we usually learn the lessons after we need them.
And then on Saturday, by chance (?) I remembered Isaiah 43: “Look, I am doing a new thing! Don’t you see it?”
And it clicked.
For good or for bad, my twenties are over. (And then some.) I can’t change them, but God’s not living there and he doesn’t want me to, either. In the words of Mason Cooley, regret for wasted time is just more wasted time. I can’t change the past but I can stop beating myself up for how I handled it—and focus on what God is doing now.
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Jennifer Taylor
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Love this, Jennifer. It’s so easy to get caught in the cycle of regret and living in the past. I not only let myself sit in the past, but also in the future “what-ifs.” Living in the moment has come to mean a lot to me over the last year, seizing the only moment we really have – this one. Great post!
Do you see a difference between forgiving oneself and excusing oneself? If so, what is the difference?
Jen, I think we can’t truly forgive ourselves without first acknowledging the realities of what we did or didn’t do, so excusing ourselves is automatically ruled out. I think excusing ourselves implies not taking responsibility and/or not being willing to change, but forgiving ourselves implies growth.
It’s interesting that the Bible doesn’t talk about our needing to forgive ourselves (at least I can’t think of anywhere it does). We ARE to grieve our losses, let go, and move forward.
I think excusing one’s self implies that you take no responsibility for some action, and that you don’t attempt to right any wrongs you might have made or change your behavior in the present or future. Forgiving yourself should mean you’ve done those things already and now you move on from that – you don’t stew in the past.
Great thoughts. I agree that it’s a matter of repentance and heart condition. In the two particular cases I mention above, I certainly made my share of mistakes, but I’ve confessed and worked through them with God (and, when appropriate, with the involved parties.) However I still mentally replay the tapes and play what if. Forgiving myself/letting go means not excusing the past, but also not wallowing there.