reservations required

In sixth grade my Sunday school teacher asked, “If there was no heaven, would you still be a Christian?” The answer he was looking for (which I didn’t understand then) was yes, because even if there was no life after death the opportunity to know God in this life is worth it.

I agree with that now, but for those not yet convinced ReserveASpotInHeaven.com ensures that, regardless of your choices in this life, you can spend the next one in comfort.

The Essential kit (for $12.79) includes your reservation and first class ticket, Official Heaven Identification Card, and a “Heaven 101″ guide to help you get acclimated (so to speak).

Pay three bucks more and get the All-Access kit, which includes all items from package one PLUS a VIP pass to allow entry to exclusive areas like the Land of Milk and Honey.

Understandably, all sales are final but the site offers a 100% satisfaction guarantee—”If for any reason you do not make it to Heaven then we will refund your money with no questions asked,” they promise.

And for that impossible elder or the church member who has everything (and refuses to tithe on it), these same low prices also allow you to reserve a spot in hell. Hey, Mother’s Day includes mothers-in-law, people. Shop now.