A promise
No matter how much I want to be there, and no matter how convinced I am that the rest of the world adores my three children ages two through five, I will never bring them to a Good Friday service and allow them to cry, talk, and loudly announce they “have to potty” while the minister dramatically reads Matthew 26.
There are just some things you don’t get to do if you have small children, and I promise to remember that after mine arrive, even if every other parent in this country does not.
I will not take them to movie theaters to see anything that is not animated (and maybe not even those until they’re school-aged), I will not lug them to Disneyland and force them to miss their naptime and then punish them for being cranky in the Happiest Place on Earth, all while annoying hundreds of other people by running my stroller into their ankles, and I will not take them to weddings since there is at least a 50% chance the bride and groom will only do this once and do not want the primary memory to be a baby crying.
If there is a nursery, I will review the safety practices in place and then leave my child there during the church service, as hard as it might be to accept that the tot will be able to handle an entire hour out of my presence (and might even enjoy it). If for some reason I must keep the child with me during the service, I will step outside the instant the inevitable crying/ whining/ whimpering/ screeching/ squealing starts, rather than expecting the kid to suddenly be quiet because I look at him sternly or move him from one side of my lap to the other.
This is my promise to you all.
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Jennifer Taylor
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Amen and amen. I bet that will get anonymously posted on many a church bulletin board!
You left out the part about restaurants, though. “I will not ruin someone’s $40 dining experience or trip a waiter by letting my kids run wild, throw food, or cry throughout the meal.”
You can tell those of us with no kids, right?
I understand and even agree with much of your sentiment. Few things are as distracting and annoying as rowdy kids in public settings. In college and grad school I worked in restaurants and waited on countless families with kids who thoughtlessly allowed chaos to reign and left a tornado in their wake. We’ve all been in the movie theatre, theme park line, worship service, etc. and been disrupted by unruly kids. And, as you say, in effect, the parents are at fault for not removing the children, taking them to the nursery, bringing them in the first place instead of getting a babysitter, etc. Agreed.
BUT… be careful what you promise. It’s not a very kid-friendly world out there and child-rearing can often be a case of easier said than done. I’m not trying to say, “Oh, you just wait, honey… You’ll see what it’s like when you grow up and have your own kids.” I absolutely am in agreement that much of what you’re saying can be somewhat prevented. But, there are sometimes real explanations, some of which border on being beyond one’s control… the service/event without childcare provided (far too common), the scary nursery that you wouldn’t dare leave your kid in (again, far too common), naps aren’t always feasible, the kid’s sick, out of his/her routine, the kid’s actually someone else’s and you can’t control him/her, it was the only week of vacation the family could take (even though the kid’s sick), the stroller is one-tenth of the things you’re carrying/responsible for while you’re sweating, tired, ankles hurting, and are every bit as miserable as the screaming kid. Most of these I have experienced.
Having children is BY FAR the most difficult thing most of us will ever do. And, despite the fact that they’re exhausted simply at the thought of going out to dinner or Disney or the wedding or the service with the kids because you know you’ll spend all your time keeping up with them, parents need a life outside of their kids and most have precious little time to do anything else. And, seriously, what family can afford a babysitter every time you want/need to go to a less-than-kid-friendly event (which is most of them)?
All I’m really saying is… Extend a little grace to these parents. They’re probably way more frazzled than you realize.
In speaking about children in public places, I would like to say that restaurants are indeed a problem, because rowdy children do disturb other people who are trying to enjoy a meal.
I have also heard of children not being invited to some weddings. A wedding is a very serious and important day for those two people being wed–sometimes children can ruin it by their noise and sometimes the flower girl or the ring bearer upstage the bride and groom.
Jen, I loved your “A promise.” I found it especially well-spoken in light of what my husband and I experienced this past Easter Sunday at our church where we were seated behind a mother and father and their two year old boy. As a result of that experience, we have come up with a few promises of our own. Someday, when we decide to have children, we promise:
1. Not to ignore the designated “child friendly exit rows” in the back where parents who are keeping their kids with them during the service can make fast, discreet exits if Junior decides to be disruptive.
2. Not to bring Junior to the Easter Sunday service and then act surprised when he does not pick the holiest day of the year as his first time to sit still, silent and enraptured in his seat.
3. Not to take up 5 seats for 2 adults and one child so that Junior has plenty of room to run around and make noise – especially during a packed service when the church leaders are begging people to move toward the middle and not take up extra seats. Also, not to give the usher a dirty look when he asks to be able to seat people in the unoccupied seats.
4. Not to add to the noise of Junior’s screams, squeals, wiggling, talking, etc. by trying to distract him with treats which are wrapped in an impenetrable crinkly foil wrapping.
5. Not to distract Junior with items that he promptly attempts to hurl over the balcony railing into the crowd below. Not to loudly scold Junior as if astonished that a two year old doesn’t know better.
6. Not to pass Junior back and forth while he does the classic toddler “arching of the back anti-hold deflection move.”
7. Not to finally give up and let Junior wander up the aisle in search of other people to torture.
8. Not to give others the sheepish “isn’t our kid so cute!!!” look when Junior takes their things, disrupts their worship, or starts crawling down their row.
9. Not to let our cell phone ring not only once, but TWICE during the service. (Nothing to do with kids, but it was the icing on the cake.)
Yes, all of this happened during our Easter Sunday. The worst part? We had guests with us who, after many declined invitations, finally decided to visit our church. We wanted their first visit to be a positive experience, but because of the distraction in front of us, they were unable to experience much of the service at all. I hope that maybe they will be open to coming back to church with us sometime in the future. If so, we will look for seats far, far away from any small children.
Last year in this blog I wrote about my mixed feelings about small groups. However, after reading this I think you and I should form our own group. (Childcare will be mandatory, of course.)
Could you simply promise to raise obedient, considerate, and respectful children? That would solve a lot of problems right there.
My husband and I made (and have, for the most part, successfully kept) similar promises with our three sons (now 11, 8 and 6). It has been a very difficult 11 years and the stress and lack of time alone has made it challenging for us to keep our relationship in its proper place, among other things.
I, therefore, say a heartfelt “amen” to Scott’s comments about grace and mercy toward parents in times when they are stuck between a rock and a hard place. A little bit of kindness goes a very long way…
So I would also like to offer another line of promises for those of you who do not currently have young children in your home:
Identify a family you know who does not have their immediately family (parents or siblings) living nearby who spend time with the children. Make the following commitment to them for one year:
1.) Once every three months, I promise to take your children for a Saturday day out. (…the parents might not get to go somewhere fun, but they might get to catch up on chores that just can’t be done with children underfoot. I adore the chance to do chores with my husband.)
2.) Once every three months, I promise to have your children for a Friday night sleep-over. (…so that their parents, who have them basically 24/7/365 might have a quiet evening at home (normally an oxymoron…) and a chance for uninterrupted sleep–or even a chance to sleep in!!!)
3.) Once every three months, I promise to spend the evening with your children at your home so that you two might be able to have dinner and a movie without it costing $100.
4.) I promise that I will resist every attempt of the parents to reimburse me for any expense I may incur while spending time with these precious children.
These 12 simple events will make an incredible difference to this family and be a blessed investment in your spiritual family.
One last promise–from those of you who have grown children: I promise never to say to a struggling young mother/father starved for involvement and adult interaction, “I remember when our kids were young. It was terrible. You’ll survive…I did.” Break the cycle of this kind of thoughtlessness with a random act of kindness!
Be blessed!
This is a great challenge to those of us without kids. Thanks for your thoughts.
Maybe if this catches on, life will be better for young parents…by the time your children come along!
We have had “grandparents” whose grandchildren are not nearby “adopt” families in this kind of way. It is a blessing, too.
Blessings,
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